March 17, 2007

My Confessions

Posted in Personal Post tagged , , at 3:31 am by LynxLee


G-U-I-L-T-Y

That pretty much sums up my life after college. So many dirt that I create even though I live in such a clean & nice environment.
Tonight, I vowed to sleep. I said to myself that I will sleep before the clock strikes 11. Now the time is 2:51am.

I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling all the guilt that I have done over the past years & how I still can’t get over every single thing that has happen. Most of which, I deserve. I try not to expose. I try not to do anything. But no, I just have this constant itch for the truth to burst through my veins. I’m feeling like so tired but awake deep inside feeling all the guilt & the pressure of simply having a sucky attitude & how I treated people. It’s funny, we think we were doing everything right; until you’ve lost everything that you had, & that’s when you’ll realise that there is such things that you don’t deserve but you had.

I basically have been blogging a bunch of grime for far too long. I guess I might as well go straight to the point. Here’s my confessions:-

  • I cheated once before. (I’ve exposed this to anyone I know already & won’t ever do again)
  • I treated my exs’ badly & they didn’t deserve anything that I’ve done to them. As a matter of fact, I don’t deserve them. (That explains why they left)
  • I started to visit Christian Churches because I felt like I need a change. (I didn’t really have faith or believe in Jesus Christ, in truth)
  • I read the bible & it made sense for a while; then everything doesn’t anymore.
  • I did nothing when my previous exams was close. (I’m practically useless)
  • I’m not a secret keeper. (Explains this now)
  • I’m still not over my previous relationships. (I’m still haunted & dreaming & crying over them)
  • I put my family above priority than God.
  • I used to put my relationship above priority than my family.
  • I’ve been keeping grudges on my significant other’s (including my exs) exs from the start until now.
  • I rather be a devil than an angel.
  • I write love letters to some people who I love but aren’t with me anymore.
  • I cry every week.
  • I feel guilty everyday of my life. (I wished my ex-gf would talk to me)
  • I hurt the people I love but I do nothing to the ones that I don’t.
  • I’m a lucky optimist but an extreme pessimist.
  • I’m addicted to love.
  • I’d get drunk by myself to solve the loneliness problem.
  • I smoked before & have lots of itch to smoke again. (though I don’t anymore)
  • My worst weakness for getting mad is other people getting mad at me.
  • I love myself a lot but I hate myself when I start hating myself for my mistakes.

I know I’m messed up here.. I guess I just felt like I needed to let these out. Please be kind enough to not screw me & give constructive criticism. I’m sorry if I hurt anyone. Particularly my family, my gf & my exs.

I’m soo soo sorry.

Dan

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6 Comments »

  1. dragonmommie said,

    Don’t know you, but I can tell you that confessions, if made with a contrite heart, is the first step towards healing.

  2. dragonmommie said,

    Check out this site:
    http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2007/03/16/resentment/

    Lots of articles there that speak to what you are going through.

  3. tobeme said,

    You have a lot of emotions that you are dealing with.
    My question to you is, what do you want right now, more than anything?
    What it would it take to acheive that want?

    What ever it is that you desire, the first step you will have to make is to forgive yourself! Forgive yourself for everything that has happened, everything that you have said and done. Forgiveness of yourself is the key to your self imposed prison. You and only you hold the key of self forgivness. Once you do this, then you will be able to start living in today and not be so caught up in your past.

    Dragonmommie,
    Thank-you so much for offering my writing as help. I hope that it can be of help to Lynx lee

    • LynxLee said,

      Thanks, tobeme. I’ve find comfort in your writings in your blog. I appreciate you giving me advice the last time. I needed that understanding that I was essentially lost and confused with regrets. I’ve grown through the times and have been a little more independent in my mind.

  4. dragonmommie said,

    You’re welcome, tobeme… I read your article just at the right time.

    • LynxLee said,

      I never thanked you before, dragonmommie; and I think it’s really overdue. Thanks for helping me out last time. I hope you noticed how I’ve grown over the years. 😉


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