March 17, 2007

My Confessions

Posted in Personal Post tagged , , at 3:31 am by LynxLee

G-U-I-L-T-Y

That pretty much sums up my life after college. So many dirt that I create even though I live in such a clean & nice environment.
Tonight, I vowed to sleep. I said to myself that I will sleep before the clock strikes 11. Now the time is 2:51am.

I can’t help it. I can’t help feeling all the guilt that I have done over the past years & how I still can’t get over every single thing that has happen. Most of which, I deserve. I try not to expose. I try not to do anything. But no, I just have this constant itch for the truth to burst through my veins. I’m feeling like so tired but awake deep inside feeling all the guilt & the pressure of simply having a sucky attitude & how I treated people. It’s funny, we think we were doing everything right; until you’ve lost everything that you had, & that’s when you’ll realise that there is such things that you don’t deserve but you had.

I basically have been blogging a bunch of grime for far too long. I guess I might as well go straight to the point. Here’s my confessions:-

  • I cheated once before. (I’ve exposed this to anyone I know already & won’t ever do again)
  • I treated my exs’ badly & they didn’t deserve anything that I’ve done to them. As a matter of fact, I don’t deserve them. (That explains why they left)
  • I started to visit Christian Churches because I felt like I need a change. (I didn’t really have faith or believe in Jesus Christ, in truth)
  • I read the bible & it made sense for a while; then everything doesn’t anymore.
  • I did nothing when my previous exams was close. (I’m practically useless)
  • I’m not a secret keeper. (Explains this now)
  • I’m still not over my previous relationships. (I’m still haunted & dreaming & crying over them)
  • I put my family above priority than God.
  • I used to put my relationship above priority than my family.
  • I’ve been keeping grudges on my significant other’s (including my exs) exs from the start until now.
  • I rather be a devil than an angel.
  • I write love letters to some people who I love but aren’t with me anymore.
  • I cry every week.
  • I feel guilty everyday of my life. (I wished my ex-gf would talk to me)
  • I hurt the people I love but I do nothing to the ones that I don’t.
  • I’m a lucky optimist but an extreme pessimist.
  • I’m addicted to love.
  • I’d get drunk by myself to solve the loneliness problem.
  • I smoked before & have lots of itch to smoke again. (though I don’t anymore)
  • My worst weakness for getting mad is other people getting mad at me.
  • I love myself a lot but I hate myself when I start hating myself for my mistakes.

I know I’m messed up here.. I guess I just felt like I needed to let these out. Please be kind enough to not screw me & give constructive criticism. I’m sorry if I hurt anyone. Particularly my family, my gf & my exs.

I’m soo soo sorry.

Dan

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